a city girl. she wants to survive with him. /

she forgets how much cigarettes can pump / or quicken the pace of her heartbeat. sometimes she knows she can be loved and lets go of the light when she closes her eyes, she says, a sensation like pouring sand down a funnel made of your very soft places. today she makes a grimace in the rain in all the glass windows because she has forgotten her beautiful umbrella at home / the stupid lost and found wretched umbrella. she realizes she is going to be okay in life listening to the radio and RANCID albums on tape. she laughs hysterically with her entire body / crossing the street away from the grocery store and neon light bulbs. there are people passing like parades and faces and tattoos in all directions. she looks astonished downtown walking in a crowd and low fog like a fish when a fish first discovers water. there is so much more to have in life now than swimming even among the other fishes. there is something that belongs to her up ahead if she keeps walking and remains curious.

she is looking for her man. / the air is heavy with fog.

when she crosses the crosswalk / when the lamppost chirps like a bird and counts down from ten, she believes she is cheating a bomb threat when she makes it to the other side. the traffic calmly turns and yields. she wonders what would happen one day when the streets do explode. she likes thinking she can love a total stranger given a few minutes notice and the world’s ending. can she make love on the street with a boy with no name / a bald head / on the street while everyone else is panicking in terrible ways rushing to cross the street trying to get home. she plays with her blond dirty hair and waits to cross. she imagines people on fire.

she worries about her heart and lungs and ribcage. she decides to a take bath when she arrives at his place. she is looking for her man / she closes her eyelids and lets go of the light like she did before, becoming fragile and barely lucid in the back of her mind, she is imagining she is a barely a muscle back there.

ever have those days where you’re just completely lost / she says, the best times in life are those animal ones, with faint running tears and saliva. she thinks, the best dreams are when you wake and discover you have been drooling this whole time on your pillow. she cries inconsolably eating a cheeseburger downstairs mad or mesmerized in the kitchen without napkins. but no one can take this away from her, the knife like way the burger dissolves and makes her feel heavy beneath her flat stomach.

when she feels fat a few weeks later, she will feel miserable. when she runs a dozen miles a few weeks later, she will feel miserable. somehow today and all today, she feels like a goddess with her cheeseburger and listening to her folk music. she says, when her man unlocks the door and comes home from work, WE ARE YOUNG AND POOR AND LONELY AND WE HAVE DREAMS YOU CANNOT IMAGINE. / she says, YEAH I FUCKING SAID IT. MALCOLM X

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